Grocery Shopping

Grocery shopping with kids in tote is always one of two things: a record-speed sprint to grab what I need, throw it in the cart, and get though check-out before the kids notice they're surrounded by food items at arm's length, OR a catastrophe of ridiculously epic proportions.

I don't know why there isn't something in between. It's just one of those mysteries of life -- kind of like why kids insist on licking the bottom of their shoes when you've already explained to them the very real chance that they stepped on poop somewhere -- and so I thought it a pertinent topic for the first post on this blog.

In case you don't believe me about the catastrophe thing, here are a few real-life examples of bad, bad things that have happened to me while shopping with my kids:

Luncha-blankity blank

Child A caught scent of Lunchables in the next aisle over. Child B heard the word "Lunchable." Both children were inconsolable until I realized that one $2 Lunchable was totally worth it, so I grabbed one and let them chow down. Two aisles down, while patting myself on the back for my genius parenting, either Child A or Child B managed to kick the said Lunchable onto the floor and into the path of several oncoming carts, causing not only a minor traffic jam, but a fresh set of tears from both children. I think I even cried a little.

Hands in the air!

After a series of calm lectures of why it's best to keep hands in the cart, we arrived at the checkout lane. And of course, in the checkout lane, are where all of the most-wanted grabbable things are located. Child B was especially drawn to the Little Debbie display case, which, in Child B's defense, was top-heavy and poorly designed. After unloading all the groceries onto the conveyor belt, hunting for my store membership card, handing over my coupons, and paying, I guess I forgot to check what those little hands in the cart were doing. I inched the cart forward but it didn't move. Without looking up, I pulled harder. The Little Debbie case tipped over (a.k.a. was pulled over) sideways, sending snack packs onto the bodies and into the carts of the shoppers behind me. "I'm so sorry!" I cried out to them. They looked stunned, so I tried to book it out of there before they realized what hit them. "Lady, you have to sign this receipt." the cashier called out. So much for not getting caught red-handed.

Car Carts and Road Rage

Upon arrival, we miraculously located the store's elusive "car cart" -- a tiny shopping cart attached to an enormous car-shape that children can ride in -- and I managed to do all my shopping with only minor steering issues. Upon exit of the store, however, the floor's decline near the sliding doors caused us to go a wee bit too fast. In short, the sliding doors didn't open and we slammed right into the glass. Hard. Child A was able to grab onto something in time, but Child B lurched forward before slipping sideways and eventually upside down, dangling from her seatbelt by one foot. Her face was a few inches from the floor. Several people screamed. In a panic I dropped my bags (for they didn't all fit into the part actually intended for groceries), and went to rescue her, only to find that she was giggling hysterically and flapping her arms. I placed her back into the seat, tightened her seatbelt, and rammed into the sliding door THREE MORE TIMES before it finally recognized the car cart as an object that wanted to get through. Then we sailed out the door and over another decline, right into oncoming traffic. (Parents beware: car carts have braking issues.)

My Bad

Another time, I arrived at the checkout lane only to find out that I left my wallet next to my home computer after purchasing some children's clothing online (okay, so that wasn't directly the fault of the children.)

In short, grocery shopping with my children has taught me a valuable lesson: if it all possible, through whatever means, avoid at all costs taking the children grocery shopping.

(Note: I downloaded the free image above to spark some discussion. For starters, what in the world is a kid that big doing in a shopping cart? His feet are touching the floor! Also, what's with all the ketchup varieties? I've only ever had the one kind.)